if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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