dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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