apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
