Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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