my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
