Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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