You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
