The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
