i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
