I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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