My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
