I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
