garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
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