I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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