If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
They took my balls.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
