i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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