Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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