youre lurking in front of me
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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