my vag is so smooth its legendary
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
