I'm gonna have a badass scar
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
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He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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