I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
