Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Randomize
