he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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