I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
