Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
