proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
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