ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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