remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
