I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
