Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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