Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
