Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
it hurts more in the daytime
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Randomize
