I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I stole a fireplace last night.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
