I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just found puke in my bra..
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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