I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Randomize
