I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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