He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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