This is not my ceiling
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Randomize
