sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
