ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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