i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
When are your genitals available?
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
