You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
