My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
It's not a walk of shame if you run
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
