I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
