i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
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So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
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Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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