I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
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