also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
