Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
