Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
