when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
