Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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