Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
