remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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