omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
It's official drugs can't kill me
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
