Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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