I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
