So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
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